Punchlines: Aug. 21, 2006

"[With the higher terrorism alert,] the only fluid now being allowed onboard a plane is baby formula. The passengers took a vote and said they'd rather be blown up than hear a baby scream for six hours." BILL MAHER

"Tour de France winner Floyd Landis is now claiming that he tested positive for steroids because he had 'accidentally ingested testosterone from another source.' Apparently, Landis accidentally ate Barry Bonds." CONAN O'BRIEN

"America's like a car, and the President is like our father, taking the country on a cross-country trip to freedom. The last thing he needs to do is be pestered...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!