"United Airlines is considering moving its headquarters from the Chicago area to another city. The good news for Chicago is that United is leaving from O'Hare Airport, so their departure will be delayed six years." -- Conan O'Brien
"Why not a woman President? Foreign relationships would be so much better because a woman President would keep calling back, saying 'We need to talk.'" -- Ellen DeGeneres
"People working at gas stations are now starting to get so cocky. This morning the attendant says to me, '$3.89 a gallon. Deal or no deal?'" Jay Leno
"This morning, I get to work and...