Punchlines: Mar. 20, 2006

"The British government has asked people to conserve water. And today the entire country volunteered to give up brushing their teeth." --JAY LENO

"The FDA has approved the first ever transdermal patch for the treatment of depression. Simply remove the backing and press the patch firmly over your mother's mouth." --TINA FEY

"The other day, New Age musician Yanni was arrested for fighting with his girlfriend. Not to be outdone, John Tesh and Kenny G. have gone on a killing spree." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"BARRY BONDS TOOK STEROIDS, REPORTS EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER WATCHED BASEBALL" --Fake news headline from THE ONION

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