Punchlines: Mar. 13, 2006

"You know President Bush right now is in India. So it's comforting to know that Quick-Draw Cheney has his finger on the nuclear button, isn't it?" --DAVID LETTERMAN

"In a new interview, Donald Trump denies that he wears a hairpiece and insists his hair is 100% real. Apparently, it's one real hair wrapped around his head 700 times."

--CONAN O'BRIEN

"The Heinz ketchup company has announced profits are down 24% in the last quarter. If this keeps up, John Kerry may leave his wife for another condiment." --JAY LENO

"DEMOCRATS VOW NOT TO GIVE UP HOPELESSNESS"

--Fake headline...

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