Punchlines: Dec. 12, 2005

"Earlier today Senate majority leader Bill Frist said that border security will be a 'top priority' in 2006 ... This is like telling people in Mexico, 'Hurry up, you've just got five weeks left before we close.'" --JAY LENO

"A big, huge chunk of marble fell off the Supreme Court building. Thank God Janet Reno was there and made a one-handed catch." --DAVID LETTERMAN

"Bulgaria and Ukraine are considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, it's going to happen as soon as they find a car that can seat six people." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"CIA REALIZES IT'S BEEN USING BLACK HIGHLIGHTERS...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!