"Earlier today Senate majority leader Bill Frist said that border security will be a 'top priority' in 2006 ... This is like telling people in Mexico, 'Hurry up, you've just got five weeks left before we close.'" --JAY LENO
"A big, huge chunk of marble fell off the Supreme Court building. Thank God Janet Reno was there and made a one-handed catch." --DAVID LETTERMAN
"Bulgaria and Ukraine are considering pulling their forces out of Iraq. Yeah, it's going to happen as soon as they find a car that can seat six people." --CONAN O'BRIEN
"CIA REALIZES IT'S BEEN USING BLACK HIGHLIGHTERS...