Punchlines: Nov. 14, 2005

"If Alito is confirmed, there will be two Supreme Court Justices from New Jersey. Experts say this could cause a reversal in the famous case Mullet v. Back Hair." --CONAN O'BRIEN

"Now the Democrats feel they're only three or four more empty gestures away from a complete moral victory." --ED HELMS, Daily Show correspondent, on Democrats forcing the Senate into closed session to discuss Iraqi prewar intelligence

"A new poll shows 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job handling the war in Iraq. The remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --TINA FEY, co-anchor...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now


Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!