Punchlines: Sep. 5, 2005

"He's bike riding, he's jogging five miles a day, lifting weights ... Is he preparing for something we don't know about? Some kind of 'every man for himself' scenario comin' down the pike?" --JON STEWART

"President Bush today took a break from his vacation in Texas to vacation at an exclusive resort in Idaho. Ringo Starr has a busier schedule." --JIMMY KIMMEL

"PAT ROBERTSON URGES U.S. TO COVET CHAVEZ' WIFE Televangelist Breaks Second Commandment In Two Days." --Fake news headline from BOROWITZREPORT.COM

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