Punchlines: Aug. 22, 2005

"We begin tonight overseas, where the British are engaged in their own war on terror--or, as they call it over there, 'a global row against roustabouts.'"

--JON STEWART

"In a new interview, Lindsay Lohan admits she's tried marijuana, but she didn't enjoy it. In a related story, Snoop Dogg says he's tried not doing marijuana--and it was the scariest five minutes of his life."

--CONAN O'BRIEN

"Two jurors in the Michael Jackson case now say they've changed their minds. They now say Michael is guilty. I believe the legal term for this is book deal."

--JAY LENO

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