Punchlines: Jul. 18, 2005

"Katie Holmes says that despite her engagement to Tom Cruise, she's not ready to get married right now. When asked why, Holmes said, 'I just want to wait until Tom's check clears.'"  --CONAN O'BRIEN

"As you know, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor is stepping down. She didn't want to resign--she just wants to make sure she's home so nobody can seize her house." --JAY LENO

"President Bush ran over a Scottish constable on his bicycle ride in Scotland. There was no need for an apology. We are fighting the Scottish constables over there so we don't have to fight them...

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