Punchlines: Jun. 27, 2005

"Three and a half years ago, Congress passed the Patriot Act, a sweeping counterterrorism measure carefully crafted to be just restrictive enough to impinge on civil liberties without actually being effective." --JON STEWART

"Michael's family is glad this thing is finally over. Now they can all get back to not speaking to one another." --JAY LENO

"To raise money for charity, Paris Hilton was photographed wearing nothing but high heels. When asked about it, Paris said, 'Since it was for a good cause, I decided to put on high heels.'" --CONAN O'BRIEN

"What a crazy week in Hollywood--Michael Jackson has stopped...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now


Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!