Punchlines: Jun. 13, 2005

"Deep Throat, the anonymous Watergate informant who helped topple a presidency, unmasked himself yesterday. You're gonna want to brace yourself for this. Deep Throat is ... a guy you've never heard of!" -JON STEWART

"This guy can act, he can fight, and he can grope. He's what you call a triple threat." -COMEDIAN CHRISTIAN FINNEGAN, of VH1's Best Week Ever, on Christian Slater's arrest for allegedly grabbing a woman's buttocks on a New York City street

"U.S. INTENSIFIES EMPTY-THREAT CAMPAIGN AGAINST NORTH KOREA." -Mock news headline from THE ONION

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