Punchlines: May 23, 2005

"We've made tremendous progress in dealing with these situations. A new strategy has been implemented, and it worked to perfection today. It's called 'Run for Your Lives!'" --JON STEWART, on the reaction to a stray aircraft last week in Washington

"There hasn't been such a panicked evacuation of the White House since Hillary walked in on Bill." --DAVID LETTERMAN

"Today is National Small Business Day. It's the day we honor a lot of small businesses that used to be big businesses." --JAY LENO

"SENATORS LURED BACK TO EMERGENCY SESSION BY PROMISE OF FREE PIZZA" --Mock news headline in THE ONION

"California...

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