Punchlines: May 16, 2005

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens is seeking to apply the same decency standards the FCC applies to network broadcast television to cable television. To which many erudite, knowledgeable people are responding, 'F___ that guy.' That was a quote from Socrates."

--JON STEWART

"Laura Bush was a big hit at the Washington Correspondent Dinner. This is something new for the Bush family--intentional comedy ... Laura described herself as a desperate housewife whose husband goes to bed too early. To which Hillary Clinton replied, 'That must be nice.'"

--JAY LENO

"In honor of Cinco de Mayo down in Washington, Tom DeLay is accepting all...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!