Punchlines: May 2, 2005

"Usually when I see a German guy on a balcony with an adoring throng underneath him, it tends to make me a little nervous." --DENNIS MILLER

"A man in West Bend, Wis., bought a shirt at the local Goodwill store and found $2,000 stuffed in the pocket. That's pretty amazing--$2,000 stuffed in the pocket. The more amazing part: How did one of Tom DeLay's old shirts wind up in Wisconsin?" --JAY LENO

"Papal Election Brings End to Worldwide Unsupervised Catholic Sin Binge" --fake news headline from THE ONION

"[Michael Jackson's defense team] is expected to call a number of famous people...

Want the full story?

Subscribe Now

Subscribe
Subscribe

Get TIME the way you want it

  • One Week Digital Pass — $4.99
  • Monthly Pay-As-You-Go DIGITAL ACCESS$2.99
  • One Year ALL ACCESSJust $30!   Best Deal!
    Print Magazine + Digital Edition + Subscriber-only Content on TIME.com

Learn more about the benefits of being a TIME subscriber

If you are already a subscriber sign up — registration is free!