The following warning has been issued to the United States of America:
On Wednesday, May 22, the image of one Joey Buttafuoco will appear on
your television screen, if tuned to FOX between the hours of 8:30-10 p.m.
Do not be alarmed. There is a good chance he will get punched in the face
That's right, voyeurs, it's time for another edition of "Celebrity Boxing" starring sorta-recognizable people who are less boxers than they are
celebrities. Let the falls from, well, somewhat short of grace continue.
The lineup is as follows:
Ron Palillo vs. Dustin Diamond
Manute Bol vs. William "The Refrigerator" Perry
Olga Korbut vs. Darva Conger
Joanie "Chyna" Laurer vs. Joey Buttafuoco
If you missed the first edition of "Celebrity Boxing", you must read
Poniewozik's brilliant review and count down ESPN.com's
20 lowlights. If you're one of the 15.5 million people who did tune
in, you know the drill: get ready to laugh like never before while screaming
to the heavens: "Why? Why! Why?!"
Face it, car crashes and train wrecks are only half as alluring as seeing
a Hollywood castoff getting pummeled. And we're far from done. There are
decades' worth of Hollywood Squares guests yet to go.
For now, here's how Wednesday night's matches shape up...
RON PALILLO vs. DUSTIN DIAMOND
In this corner... From 1975-79, Palillio played "Sweathog" Arnold Horshack on "Welcome Back, Kotter"
In this corner... On "Saved By the Bell," Diamond played Samuel "Screech" Powers, the only nerd ever to hang out with the five most popular students in high school
The Lowdown: The entrance music of one of these class dorks has got to be the rap from "Revenge of the Nerds." Vegas gives the edge to Palillo, but don't expect a quick knockout. Diamond showed Sting-like stamina by trotting out puberty jokes for more than a decade over three "Saved By the Bell" series. And he's also a patient strategist, as he displayed in the instructional home video "Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess." We're thinking upset city.
Fearless Prediction: Decision for Diamond, who then calls out Urkel
PEOPLE catches up with Ron Palillo
The Onion interviews Dustin Diamond
MANUTE BOL vs. WILLIAM "REFRIGERATOR" PERRY
In this corner... At 7-7, Bol is the tallest player in NBA history, and is recognized as a hero in his native Sudan
In this corner... Fridge stands 7-7 tall while sunbathing and is recognized by every restaurant owner in the country
The Lowdown: Though Bol never challenged any of Wilt Chamberlain's scoring records on or off the court he worked himself into being a defensive standout. He'll need those defensive instincts here, because he's not going to be able to withstand many punches from Perry, whose weight equals that of a loaded school bus. Bol's best strategy would be to take advantage of his reach by throwing jabs from the locker room.
Fearless Prediction: The Fridge eats Bol in Round 1
NBA regular-season records for blocked shots
SI Then and Now: William Perry
OLGA KORBUT vs. DARVA CONGER
Korbut, a three-time gold medalist in the 1972 Olympics in Munich,
is looking to score a perfect 10 in her ring debut
In this corner... No stranger to demeaning FOX programming, Conger married a millionaire and scored an I've-seen-worse 7.1 in Playboy
The Lowdown: The last time a former Olympian hit took on a
non-athletic bottom-feeder, Paula Jones was given a second nose job
by Tonya Harding. If Korbut flies around the ring as quickly as she
past cashiers at grocery stores, it'll be the greatest mismatch
since the Democrats sacrificed Walter Mondale in '84. Conger's strong
suit, however, is a quality that has helped many an athlete in critical
situations: desperation. Fearless Prediction: Korbut Round 2
Gymnastics Legends: Olga Korbut
Vote on whether Darva Conger is annoying
JOANIE LAURER vs. JOEY BUTTAFUOCO
In this corner... The buff Laurer is the former Chyna of the former WWF (now WWE). Oh, it's so so hard to keep up
In this corner... Two-timed his wife to fame, glory and friendships with Al Goldstein and Ron Jeremy
The Lowdown: A perfect contrast in style one is the
quintessential Neanderthal male, rugged and tough, with a closet full
of sweatpants, while the other is a former auto mechanic. The crowd
will most definitely be on Chyna's side, though they may also demand
their $4.99 back from her own Playboy spread. (Isn't doing that supposed
to boost one's career?) Remember, everyone, wrestling is not
fake, it's staged. And the the end of this match, Buttafuoco will
be mumbling the same while he's picking up his teeth. Fearless Prediction: Chyna in Round 3
Joanie Laurer's official site
PEOPLE catches up with Joey Buttafuoco