Pottermore, Part II: Hufflepocalypse Now

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(5 of 5)

Plum: How do you know if it's the A that goes last or first in Alohomora? [Sings.] How do you know, wowowowowo ... ?

Me: I am sucking at this.

Plum: Sucking, sucking, sucking.

Me: I shouldn't have used that word. That's not a good word.

Plum: Dammit.

Me: O.K., that's one. That's all you get.

Plum: Bugger. [Plum learned this word from her stepmother, who's Australian.]

Me: That's enough.

Plum: Fudge. Fudge fudge fudge fudge fudge. Fudge!

Me: [Deciding it's better not to react] Are we bored? Shall we stop?

Plum: No! You just have to get one simple spell right. [Still thinking about the Sorting.] Malfoy would totally have picked that he wanted to be feared. And Marvin, Marvin would have picked the draught of power. [Marvin is Plum's first-grade "boyfriend," though I'm pretty sure they've only ever spoken to each other once or twice. It's a love-hate kind of relationship.] Marvin and Malfoy have a bunch of things in common, actually. They're both mean. They both have yellow hair. I'm pretty sure both their fathers are mean. I'm pretty sure both their mothers are mean. And they're both nitwits.

Me: I swear to God. Why can't I get this spell to work? Would you like to try?

Plum: No. I did all the choosing to get Sorted.

Me: You did your part.

Plum: You have to do yours.

Me: I'm like the Ron Weasley of Pottermore. My spells are sucking.

Plum: You already said it more than once. Can we pretend I'm a rainicorn?

[A rainicorn is a creature from the cartoon Adventure Time.]

Me: Was your mommy a rainbow and your daddy a unicorn?

Plum: I take after my mom more.

Me: I think I might be ready to conclude this Pottermore session.

Plum: What does conclude mean?

Me: It means we're going to end Pottermore Session 2. Anyway, I've achieved spell potency 25.

Plum: Maybe that's just because you tried 25 times. Incendio! Your nose is on fire.

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