In Praise of Flattery

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You Look Marvelous!: Tips for Kissing Up

Everyone from Plutarch to Mark Twain offers advice on how to flatter successfully — and not get caught. Some rules:

• Be specific. Forget one-size-fits-all compliments like "You're the best!" You could be flattering anyone. Don't tell Tom Hanks you think he's a great actor. Say, "I loved your opening tracking shot in That Thing You Do!"

• Praise the beautiful for their intelligence, and the intelligent for their beauty. This was Casanova's credo, and it is the silver bullet of seduction.

• Find something you really do like. If you're a bit squeamish about making up things, figure out something you actually do admire and praise it to the skies.

• Flatter people behind their back. First, you'll never be suspected of being a slimy little weasel. Plus, it's actually more effective. When the flatteree hears you've said she is "brilliant," she will think much more kindly of you.

• Don't be afraid to flatter people WHOM you think already get enough flattery. If they get a lot of flattery, they need a lot of flattery. And they can always use more. It's a renewable resource, and, heck, it's free.

• Tell a Secret. When we reveal something intimate, we flatter the other person that he or she is worthy of trust. Just don't confess you're a shameless flatterer.

• Never say, "you were so much better than I thought you would be". Don't give a compliment that suggests you held a low opinion of the person before.

• Mix a little bitter with the sweet. Including a tiny bit of criticism with the praise makes the flattery seem more authentic: "I thought there was one slow movement in the first act, but other than that, it was better than Hamlet."

• Know how far to go too far Don't overdo it. If you say, "Your paintings put Rembrandt to shame," the artist may be a tad skeptical.

• Comparisons are never odious. Just as we envy people who are nearest to us in status, we feel more gratified when we hear we're better looking than our neighbor.

• Ask for a small favor. As Plutarch first noted, we like people for whom we do favors more than people who do favors for us.

• But never offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. When you charge for praise, you make the receiver wary.

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