America Needs Champions!

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The following is a transcript of a radio address to America's parents from the president of the United States:
Worried about finding a way to keep your youngster busy this summer? Concerned that another job at the mall will expose your child to a rough element? The Bush administration has the answer in a regime that will build character, strengthen the adolescent back and help America climb out of its crippling energy crisis. As the Vice President pointed out in his 170 page report of the National Energy Policy Development Group, America's appetite for coal, oil and nuclear power will require production of a new power plant each week for the next 20 years. That means we need to get going. Now, that's a lot of pipes that need welding. So the question you've got to be asking yourselves is, how do we get from Point A (very few power plants) to Point B (power plants for all!)? The answer? Our plan to create 20 million teenage "energy entrepreneurs." So this week, I'm announcing the formation of Cheney's Champions, a new federal work program for the layabout teens of patriotic parents. If your youngster is aged 13-20 then he or she can be a part of this exciting national opportunity to rebuild the nation's flickering energy grid. Sonny won't go flabby eating funnel cakes at the boardwalk this year; instead he'll be transitioning into an adult pre-work mindset. Daughter Dear won't mind a few months away from her clique once she sees the tummy toning benefits of toting rebar.

To demonstrate just how committed Laura and I are to this program, we have commissioned our daughter Jenna, a freshman at the University of Texas, to strike the first anvil for America.* While new plants are certain to be coming to your neighborhood, each Champion will be assigned to work outside of their community to challenge them outside of their comfort zone. Youth will be exposed to America's heartland and forgotten towns like Wierton, West Virginia and Drakesboro, Kentucky, spots brimming with sturdy life skills and bedrock values not available on MTV. Host "barracks" at decommissioned military bases provide the kind of stable environment any good parent would want: a secure perimeter supplemented with locks and alarms on doors and windows. Cheney's Champions will help reduce America's dependence on foreign oilthrough a 13-hour daily regimen based on sound scientific practices developed by some of America's most respected adolescent labor camps. The hard work and discipline needed to build the infrastructure for the 21st century and beyond means little time for: defiance toward authority figures, hostility with loved ones, academic failure, irresponsible behavior, an unwillingness to accept consequences of behavior, demanding yet unappreciative attitudes, emotional manipulation, unrealistic expectations from others and from life, and impulsive and self-destructive behavior. Plus, upon successful completion of their summer duties, each of Cheney's Champions will not only return to you in a robust state but will also receive a very nice Presidential Certificate.**

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* Due to the unpredictable nature of Ms. Bush's previous community service commitment as mandated by the Sheriff of Austin County, the White House cannot guarantee that scheduling will permit her full participation in CC.

** Suitable for framing.