I, Teddy Wayne, pledge to remain celibate for the upcoming year, and, given my track record, quite possibly even longer. I vow to uphold this pledge faithfully, unless a situation unexpectedly arises that imperils its execution, such as my friend Janet's birthday party this weekend, which I happen to know Molly Heinecker will attend, and that she just got dumped by her boyfriend and Janet tells me she's looking to rebound and make him jealous, plus the Evite promises an abundance of inhibition-releasing Jell-O shots, so, you know, I'm just saying.
If kissing is presented this year I will permit myself to exercise it as an option, especially with tongue, although I recognize that's not everyone's bag, especially not Sarah Watkinson's, who told everyone in sixth grade that I was the "worst kisser ever" during a spin-the-bottle game, even though I know for a fact she'd just kissed one other boy before me, and that was earlier in the game.
I also reserve the right to engage in petting of both the soft and heavy variety. I am not exactly certain what "petting" means, but the term was frequently bandied about in my middle-school health class, and it sounds fun. In addition, I will allow myself the pleasures of medium-density petting, whatever they may be.
Some other terms I picked up in health class I wish to include on the list of acceptable activities: "outercourse," "almost-intercourse," and "Advanced Health Course," which I now realize must have been the name for the upper-level health class I never took, though at the time I assumed it was something really kinky and European.
Should the opportunity become available to me, I grant myself the right to have sex with Paris Hilton — and until her recent declaration I thought it was given to all American citizens at birth, with a specific date, time, and location encoded within your Social Security number.
Moreover, should Paris and I start doing the old "Advanced Health Course" with each other, I request the rights to film our frolicking with a night-vision camera and release it on DVD under the title "1 Night in the Hilton." I will call it this because I hope that, with Paris's connections, we are able to secure a free room for an evening in her family's hotel chain. Or at least a discount. I'm willing to spend up to $75, depending on whether the mini-bar is free.
Beyond Ms. Hilton, I extend the roster of potential exceptions to Jessica Alba, Pamela Anderson, Jennifer Aniston, Fiona Apple, Ashanti — in fact, to save some time, just continue alphabetically with celebrity females until Catherine Zeta-Jones.
P.S. Paris, if you're reading this, my Social Security number starts with "105," ends with "7," and the combined digits add up to 43; I'll see you next Tuesday at 9:16 p.m. in the Paducah, Ky., Denny's. We'll take things slow.
Teddy Wayne lives in New York City and St. Louis. He is working on a novel and a humor collection. Read more of his writing at the following websites: